Power Struggles

Important Things to Remember:

1.   Reinforce consistently that- even good kids make mistakes, you’re just a good kid who made a poor choice. We can’t do anything about it now, but we can work to make sure it doesn’t happen again.

2.   Know that kids have the power, but you can control the circumstances. Know also that if you take the hook, engage in the power struggle, then you will lose.

3.   Be sure to always help children save face in front of others. If you don’t, you will have a lot of additional behavioral baggage to deal with.

4.   Be aware that when you feel the heat rising, it is a sign of power behavior and your signal to take on your coolest, most blasé’ demeanor.

5.   The smarter the child and the longer he has practiced the behavior, the longer it will take to eliminate it.

6.   Consistency is key- if you once let the child see that you are invested in the power behavior, you will have to start all over with plan B.

7.   Forgive yourself.

8.   When eliminating a behavior, if you haven’t successfully addressed the cause, watch for another to take its place.

9.   It is extremely important to stay consistent when things get better.

10.                Most working plans have a regression factor where the old behavior returns. If you stay consistent, it will go away for good.

11. Be sure to deal with any situation as a helpmate- if a parent loses cool, children see it as a sense of betrayal and you will have to have a debriefing session before things return to the status quo.

12.                Again, don’t discuss the plan after it is made, act on it.

13.Be sure that the consequences of the behavior never become punishment. (They should always be reasonable, related and respectful).

14.Be careful with rewarding success. Feedback is great, material items work only short term.

15.Revenge behavior can follow power if power behavior is handled poorly or not addressed.

16.A plan must address the goal of the behavior as well as the behavior. Children typically choose misbehavior as a way to get their needs met when they don’t get what they want or need. Think of it as a choosing disability.

17.                CHILDREN ALWAYS FIND A WAY TO SHARE THEIR ANGER OR FRUSTRATION- THEY PROJECT IT TO YOU. SO IF YOU FEEL ANGRY- KNOW THAT YOU ARE DEALING WITH AN ANGRY CHILD.

18.                In order to chance your management style, be ready to accept that others may wonder what you’re doing.

19.                Don’t be a bleeding heart (no matter how much your heart bleeds) giving second chances or making excuses only prolongs the behavior and causes the struggle to continue that much longer. It really doesn’t do the child any favors.

20.               Always expect your child’s best. When something upsetting or sad has happened, deal with it. If you suddenly start allowing behavior you normally wouldn’t, the silent message sent to your child is, “wow, this really must be big- maybe it’s worse than I thought.”

21.                Use the self-fulfilling prophecy every chance you get (only genuinely)

22.                Give practice in delayed gratification- it’s a life skill that can’t be beat.

23.                Don’t make excuses- emphasize that your child’s success or failure is up to him!